Let’s Talk About Boundaries (Yes, Even in Loving Relationships)

If I had a dollar for every time someone in my therapy room said, “But if I set boundaries, won’t that push my partner away?”… I’d probably be writing this from a beach somewhere.

Here’s the truth I wish more couples heard early on: boundaries don’t ruin relationships. Avoiding them does.

Most people don’t come to therapy saying, “We don’t love each other anymore.” They come saying things like, “I feel drained,” “I don’t feel heard,” or “I don’t even know what I need anymore.” And almost every time, somewhere in the background, boundaries have quietly disappeared.

Many of us learned that love means accommodating, adjusting, or staying quiet to keep the peace. So we say yes when we mean no. We ignore discomfort. We hope our partner will magically “just know” what we need. Spoiler alert – they usually don’t.

Over time, resentment shows up. And it doesn’t knock politely. It shows up as sarcasm, distance, passive-aggressive comments, or arguments that seem to be about absolutely nothing and everything at the same time.

Boundaries are not emotional walls. They’re more like clear instructions. They help your partner understand how to love you better. Saying, “I need some time to myself,” or “This doesn’t feel okay for me,” isn’t rejection. It’s information.

In healthy relationships, boundaries actually increase intimacy. When people feel safe enough to be honest, they stay more emotionally present. There’s less guessing, less tension, and far less emotional burnout.

I often remind couples that love doesn’t require self-erasure. You don’t have to lose yourself to keep a relationship alive. In fact, relationships tend to suffer when one or both partners disappear emotionally just to maintain harmony.

Boundaries also help us regulate emotions. When limits are clear, we don’t have to explode just to be heard. We can speak before things get overwhelming. And that changes everything.

So no, boundaries won’t make you less loving. They’ll make your love more sustainable.

Because the healthiest relationships aren’t the ones where no one ever says no. They’re the ones where both people feel safe enough to be real.

With care,

Natasa Lazarevic

Licensed Clinical Social Worker